


i came out of the woods by choice

by haipollai



Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Cuddling, M/M, On a train, PTSD, Remembering the choo choo of death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-10
Updated: 2012-10-10
Packaged: 2017-11-16 00:51:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/533660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/haipollai/pseuds/haipollai
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>Steve reaches out and covers Bucky’s hands with his own. Bucky twists his hand under Steve’s locking their fingers together. They’re both resolutely not looking at each other but they have that one single point of connection. “Peggy found me afterwards. Told me to suck it up.”</i>
</p><p> </p><p>  <i>He snorts softly. “Agent Carter told you to suck it up?”</i></p><p> </p><p>  <i>“Not in those words exactly.”</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	i came out of the woods by choice

Bucky wants to scream at all of them. He wants to put his fist through a wall. He wants to do something but he knows that won’t help. If anything it will make everything worse. He makes himself calm down, makes himself seek out Steve and get away from everyone else. Steve’s in a small private compartment, staring out the window. Bucky thinks it’s Clint’s idea that they’re here and Bucky can’t blame him for that, he doesn’t know. Neither Steve nor Bucky spoke up because they’re still not good at admitting weakness.

At least only Steve and Natasha noticed when he slipped away from the group to go throw up. Steve was gone by the time he got back.

“I’m sorry,” he says. It wasn’t what was supposed to come out of his mouth but apparently tightening his control on his fists loosens his control on his mouth.

“Don’t be stupid, Buck. There’s nothing to forgive.” Steve manages to smile. It might be enough for everyone else but Bucky knows him. With everything else changed, they’re fucking eternal. Bucky knows about that when Steve really smiles, his eyes crinkle at the corners and his lips part to show off his teeth. This hasn’t reached his eyes. His lips are still tight and Bucky doesn’t understand how no one else sees.

“I left you alone.”

Steve looks quickly down at his hands. “Bucky-”

“Don’t fucking play me,” he hisses. “I know you thought it. And I can’t stop thinking it.”

“I’m the damn super soldier. I should have protected you better,” Steve snaps back.

Bucky’s been back and with the team for six months, they should have dealt with but he figures they’re allowed to have their arguments late. “How? I volunteered, Rogers. I chose to follow you onto that damn train.”

“I should have gotten to you faster. I should have-”

“Been perfect? Well then, I should have been able to drag myself up. Goddamnit, Steve. You needed me and I couldn’t move.”

Steve sighs and his shoulders hunch. Bucky wonders if their argument is over because he can’t say anything that might hurt Steve when he looks like that. “Why did you pick up the shield?” He whispers.

“I was facing Hydra weapons with a handgun. And you were…I needed to protect you.” He looks away, not wanting Steve to see the lingering fear of that moment, when all he could see was Steve on the ground. Everything was hazy after that but that moment was burned into his mind.

Steve reaches out and covers Bucky’s hands with his own. Bucky twists his hand under Steve’s locking their fingers together. They’re both resolutely not looking at each other but they have that one single point of connection. “Peggy found me afterwards. Told me to suck it up.”

He snorts softly. “Agent Carter told you to suck it up?”

“Not in those words exactly.” There’s something sacred about Steve’s memories of Peggy that Bucky doesn’t dare touch. So as badly as he wants to know what she told Steve, what was able to get through to him and get him to continue on, take out the Red Skull, he doesn’t ask. “Was it really…you’re not just saying it was your choice to make me feel better?”

“Yes. Falsworth or Dernier could have gone as easily as I could have. But I wanted to be there,” he takes a breath and turns to face Steve. He doesn’t care if Steve is looking back or not. Steve is sitting by the window and Bucky ignores it, focuses on the line of his jaw and the way his hair is starting to get long enough to fall in his eyes when it’s not gelled back. “I don’t trust anyone else to have your back.”

Steve gives him a nervous smile but it’s real this time. “You’re still nervous on trains, aren’t you?”

Bucky laughs shakily. “That obvious?”

Steve’s smile grows and he turns on the seat, one leg folding neatly beneath the other. “You didn’t abandon me Bucky.”

“You’re sitting here all alone!” Steve’s hand is still holding onto his and it keeps him grounded, keeps him from yelling and raging, from going back out to that main cabin where Tony is playing music and Thor is telling stories and everyone is enjoying themselves, and throwing one of them out. Preferably while they’re crossing a river.

“That’s not your fault. You know me, I’m not good with people who aren’t you.” They stare at each other, Steve’s thumb running back and forth over his knuckles. “I’d kiss you but you probably taste disgusting.”

“Jerk.”

“Come here.” Steve tugs on his hand and Bucky sprawls forward, resting his head on Steve’s shoulder. He closes his eyes, blocking out the flashing scenery. “Don’t be mad at Clint. He thought this was a good idea.”

“It was 70 years ago, should be over this,” he mumbles against Steve’s neck. With his eyes closed, he’s sharply aware of the sway of the train but Steve is solid and he’s not letting go.

“Not for us it wasn’t,” Steve’s arms tighten. Bucky’s not even sure if he knows he’s doing it but he’s not about to stop him. “Not for us,” he repeats. Bucky doesn’t cry, there are no more tears to shed, not for them and all he can do is hold on to Steve, and trust him not to let him fall this time.

“This argument isn’t over,” Bucky mutters. Steve chuckles and lifts Bucky’s head. His eyes are sparkling in a way that Bucky knows leads to no good. Bucky licks his lips in anticipation.

“You sure, Buck?”

“You can’t kiss away my guilt. This isn’t just going to go away because you have the libido of a teenager thanks to that serum.”

Steve pouts and he’s dangerously close to Bucky’s lips considering their teammates are on the other side of the door and everyone knows they’re in there. “Maybe I want you to kiss away mine. It’s worth a try.” His hand cups Bucky’s cheek, his fingers thick and warm on Bucky’s skin. His other hand remains steady on Bucky’s back, curled into his shirt. Holding onto Bucky just as much as Bucky is holding onto him and the train making them both sway gently back and forth. Bucky pushes away the sensation of the train, tries to ignore it as much as possible and look just at Steve.

“I taste disgusting.” Bucky grimaces, the memory of the panic from earlier coming back unbidden.

Steve’s thumb traces his lips and leans in to kiss Bucky’s cheek. His hand on Bucky's back moves in soothing circles as if he knows that Bucky's stomach is trying to twist itself into knots again. “I can kiss you other places. I’m a grown man Buck, I don’t need you to take responsibility from me for my own actions.”

“I can’t help it. Always going to look out for you.”

“Then let me do the same for you,” Steve whispers as if he’s scared to say it too loud. Bucky swallows hard. He doesn’t like giving up control these days, he’s had enough of that. Steve waits patiently for him to do something so he nods. “Let’s get you some water then. Come on.” He helps Bucky to his feet and they go out together to face everyone else, hopefully leaving bad memories behind them in the small room, locked away and sealed up for a little bit longer.


End file.
